Denver Direct: National Nudist Group to Rent City Park in ’09

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

National Nudist Group to Rent City Park in ’09

(Warning: Satire ahead)

NANA Coming Soon

Mayor John Hickenlooper, in announcing a new city policy based on the ground-breaking AEG Mile High Music Festival, stated that City Park will be rented, in its entirety, to the National Association of Nudists of America (NANA) for the entire month of July, 2009.

“This respected group has a very gentle footprint, and will not damage the park or its amenities in any way,” said Hickenlooper, flanked by City Councilperson Carla Madison. Madison was instrumental in arranging the first large scale rental of a city park to Anschutz Entertainment Group, even appearing in their promotional film “To the Highest Bidder” which itself garnered numerous awards in the “Wool Over Your Eyes” category.

Promoter and long-time Denver booster Chuck Morris, accompanied by his lovely daughter, Brittany Morris of CRL Associates, was on hand to comment, “We did it first with the extremely successful Mile High Music Festival back in ’08. That Festival branded Denver as a city where you can git ‘er done. Despite the opposition of some who predicted dire consequences, our record of only 4 deaths and 1,266 cases of pollution-related illness out of over 150,000 attendees, still stands today as one of the safest Festivals in the country”.

Bob Dylan, who was often mentioned in the Festival promotion but did not perform at the Anschutz Music Festival was quoted as saying, “I’m Not There”.

Denver Zoo representatives, who were originally somewhat apprehensive of the Anschutz Music Festival because of the extremely loud music, joined in, “Even though many of the animals near the Music Festival border appeared to suffer deafness as a result, this has worked to their benefit, as they are no longer bothered by auditory disturbances. We feel that the NANA Festival, which will include the Zoo as part of the fair grounds, is even more compatible as the animals are already nude and will enjoy the nudity of the visitors.”

Denver Water officials, also on hand at the press conference, stated reassuringly, “Even though we’ve had to raise the levels of Lowry toxins in the effluent mix since last year, participants will have nothing to worry about as long as they do not actually eat the grass or drink the lake water. Merely rolling around nude in the grass or swimming in the lake will not result in increased levels of risk above established tolerance levels.”

Hickenlooper, nationally known as the Businessman Mayor, concluded, “We’ve been able to raise far more money than we’ve paid out in lawsuit settlements with our new “Everything’s For Rent” policy. Nudity in City Park will bring joy to the surrounding community and provide an even greater opportunity for our citizens to engage in entrepreneurial activities. After all,” he quipped, “it’s all about having fun while making money.”